


I’ll lay down my armor and put it on you

by lostinthesounds



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bellarke, F/M, Madi death, Minor character mentions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 09:54:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15458778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinthesounds/pseuds/lostinthesounds
Summary: A single tear falls from her eyes, and for once it feels good to have her friends, her Bellamy back. She wasn’t alone, and quite frankly, never alone with him just a call away into the same abyss of nothing.





	I’ll lay down my armor and put it on you

**Author's Note:**

> I’m back!! This was so fun to write so thank you to the lovely Jade for giving me this idea. I really hope I fulfilled your vision....maybe a tad bit more than you expected? Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy as I finished this half asleep and it took me three days! :) be well x

" _Clarke!"_  

She doesn't listen, although her heart won't stop screaming in ache. It's all her fault. Madi _is_ dead because she couldn't stop the determination of a young girl with knowledge on fight instincts and pride of a century's old computer chip. Clarke just keeps running, like she does with all of her problems. She's escaped the craze of bullets and fighting only to find herself a few feet away from a place she's called home for the past six years. 

It's a place holding so many memories of laughter, longing and smiles. A place of peace with a little girl that she's come to know and love with every ounce of her person with a heart that's been damaged for so long. Clarke can't feel anything else but the burning in the back of her throat because the tears won't stop from cascading down her cheeks like the waterfall in Eden. It's too late, when she looks down at her hands that are stained with the blood of the same girl she rescued. 

Clarke runs into the room, slamming the door with as much force as she could when feeling the weakest she's ever been. "Madi..... _Oh_ god" She starts to sob a fresh wave of tears because she still can't believe it. Being commander, Madi stepped in front of her Wonkru supporters and her great efforts and spirits of past commanders were no match to the life of a little girl who never got proper training and who's terrified out of her control. 

_She's gone._

It happens so quickly like the scene that keeps fresh in her mind, so painful that it hurts to inhale the oxygen she desperately needs. Clarke doesn't expect to feel arms wrapped around her, their hold so strong but gentle all in the same. A combination she'd never pin together, but as she feels the other person pull her impossibly close and a comforting grip around her waist, its something she thinks she needed in that moment. 

_No...._

Clarke pushes the person away, still oblivious as to who it was but she can't see anything through her blurry blue eyes and a wild fire within her heart that she's sure if about to explode. She hears the person stumble, but her motives are clear. The emotions are too high as she doesn't know what she's doing until she starts throwing things. 

It's impossible to ignore, the feeling of losing someone so special and of someone who's kept you motivated to live. Life was never easygoing for Clarke, and she hates herself for letting the world give her something so willingly. 

Clarke starts swinging as her eyes burn, bottles and notepads fall to the floor with multiple thuds that it makes her body numb because she understands something other than pain and sorrow. She wants to rid herself of it, like she's done before. 

She can't run this time, blocked in her path as the same person turns her around too fast and she's met with the rough material of a battle uniform and leather against her wet face. It's somehow comforting enough to clutch between her fingers and tug in her direction to accept the company. 

"Clarke, I'm sorry-" 

She looks up and wipes her face dry, only to see a pair of brown eyes staring so intensely at her and she recognizes him instantly. It's Bellamy, and he followed her all the way back here when he should be fighting along his sister's side. His eyes have prickling tears threatening to fall down, and she fights the urge to wipe them away. The pain is her's to bear, not anyone elses. 

His arms find their previous position snaked around her back, as her feet settle in between his widened stance. 

"I warned her I-I," Clarke hiccups "I warned her that commanders die and she was the first one to lead Wonkru to war...." 

Her head falls back to his chest, and it's already damp with her tears and crinkled with the imprints of her fingers. 

"You _couldn't_ protect her Clarke, she knew what she wanted to do." Bellamy determines, his own shaky hand was weaving through her hair, and that's when it hits him that it was actually shorter than he remembered. He recalls the time they spent apart, the days were he'd wish for a universe to align their stars back together. It worked but with a painful price that costs her love for him, and the promise to keep their respective families apart. 

"She ran away from the flame all her life," Clarke pulls away from him entirely for a second time, her voice shaky. "--and the minute my friends come back down to Earth, she's the fighter she never was meant to be" 

Bellamy knows it was a dig at his own actions, the one he regrets making and she’s blaming him. 

"She had a choice." He says calmly because all he came here to do was comfort a woman who's been through hell and back mostly with him. Shamelessly, the want to hold her in his arms was something he wasn't trying to defend. 

"It cost her life, how is that a reasonable choice?" 

"It was our _only_   choice, Clarke" Bellamy bites his tongue, not afraid for it to bleed but terrified for it to slip the words of his heart who broke and pierced together again because of her. He wasn't stupid, nor numb to his own memories because it reminds him of the dreadful decision to repeat those words to a group of people who were just as anxious to leave behind a leader. 

She doesn't forget either, and it digs an imaginary knife into his chest with a sharp voice. "An oxymoron, like I _told_ you in the lab" 

Suddenly, they were both transported back in time to six years ago. To where Bellamy was so hopeful for a future without bloodshed, with a girl who needed the break just as much as he did. 

They’ve been through so much together and he didn’t think they had to change to be something greater. In his opinion, they were already something more than friends, but less than someone he could kiss with no complaint. God, how much he wanted to kiss her. It got ripped away from him, spending those years alone with his friends as company and a flicker of hope that died quickly. 

He was never good at keeping it around, so he forced himself to move on. 

“Wonkru has an actual chance at winning this war! We could finally live on this valley,” Bellamy dreams of the possibility with a sigh. “We don’t need to fight anymore.” 

Clarke could still feel her heart bleeding with a pain she hasn’t felt in years, she’s still trying to gasp for air once in a while. 

She shakes her head vigorously. 

“It doesn’t feel the same, how am I going to live without her? This was our home Bellamy.” She locks eyes with the man in front of her, Clarke could still see the man she loves in him. He’s different now but she could still see glimpses of a person who’d do anything to protect her. 

It makes sense to realize that he followed her, that he comforts her in the most difficult times. 

Bellamy’s arms reach out to lead her shaking form back to him, back to where she ultimately feels safe. 

“You don’t have to do this alone, I’m here now. We—Echo, Emori, Raven, and Monty we’re all here for you.” Bellamy argues. 

Something changes in Clarke’s eyes, like her hands start trembling and her eyes can’t meet his. “ _Shut up_ , Bellamy...” 

He doesn’t expect to get angry so quickly but he understands that she’s so hurt about Madi. He doesn’t know that with every name mentioned that isn’t her, it tears away at the sanity he helped build. 

“Stop ignoring everyone and then _maybe_ I’ll be quiet, Clarke.” He talks like he actually has an argument against a grieving girl, as his hands land on his hips. 

“You don’t understand!” Clarke shouts. 

It’s a sudden outburst that has her fingers clawing at the end of her hair, as they travel to wipe the tears from her face. She used to be so happy, she used to find joy in talking to him over the radio and she’s not even sure if it’s worth telling him. 

“Tell me what I don’t understand? I’m tired of being on the wrong side when it comes to you.”

Bellamy gestures between them with his hands, face scrunched because he really wants an answer. He’s hurt, a constant pain that overcomes him when he realizes he never got to see her happy. 

He would’ve done anything. 

Clarke starts to speak to herself, with a low voice just trying to test the waters. She can’t face him yet so she turns around, “I lost you all those years ago, and now I’ve lost Madi. I _lost_ you to that damn Praimfaya and _now_ Madi is gone because I couldn’t save her.” 

She starts mumbling, so Bellamy has to get closer to hear her. 

“—I couldn’t even save you either.” 

Bellamy hears it clearly, and his hand clutches at her elbow to turn her around to face him. 

“Clarke....you saved us all.” 

She still can’t look at him. 

“I got the job done...risked my life for you all, and one of the first things I hear you say that your family doesn’t include me, do you know how much that hurts?” 

Clarke pushes him away, and he’s about close to breaking. The pain in her face is so evident, and he hates that he’s about to ruin it even more. She needs to hear this. 

“Don’t push me away, Clarke.” 

“Why? You’ve hurt me the most” She bites back, her eyes are red. 

“ _Why?_   Because I don’t know what you want from me, I _don’t_ know what you want me to say or act around you.” 

Clarke scoffs, “So let me guess, that’s my fault? I was the one who held onto your return for six _fucking_ years and called you on that crappy radio every day.” 

Bellamy stumbles back again, seemingly known to fall for her multiple times. He can’t believe it, he really can’t. How could he lose hope so quickly when he was her lifeline? It doesn’t sit well for either of them. 

“You—You what?” 

“I called you everyday for 2,199 days while you were up there with our friends because I sacrificed my happiness for you.” Clarke’s a little shy with expressing the information, but she feels grounded when her hands tingle behind her back. 

Its awkward space now, Bellamy not knowing what to say. Like always, it's a strange pattern of expectations and the sad truth behind a relationship he's never had much control over because it's tough. It's tough knowing how much he means to someone when he felt like nothing but a man aimlessly floating in the abyss in the distance between where she was, and where he ended up. 

Clarke breathes heavily, "I'm not different than your sister." 

He just wants to step closer to her, be next to her to give whatever he can. It's impossible. He already lost his sister to the demons in her head, he can’t lose his other important person too. 

"How so?" 

A wave of harsh tears get choked up in her throat, and Bellamy can't see straight as he gets teary-eyed himself. 

"I gave all of me for all of you guys to survive-" Clarke's heart finally tears open it's last string and it's like the pain in remembering Praimfaya was everlasting. "-and I gave all of me to Madi to make sure she survives" 

Bellamy steps closer, cautious of his actions because it'll surely break him apart if she pushes him away again when she's the one hurting but it's worth it to try. He has to try at least, that's how he gets through to her. He pushes her to her breaking point, and he was always the one to piece her back together. 

"Clarke...." His voice sounds melodic as it's softer than anything she's heard during the entirety of the conversation. But her head perks up, and her focus switches to the way he's looking at her. "You don't have to do this alone, _not_ now, not _ever_   again" 

No matter how long it took, Bellamy had to convince Clarke to trust him. They've spent too much time apart and he can't bear the thought knowing they'll never be the same because of invalid arguments and people they've grown accustomed to as time passes. Timing, never something appreciated in his vocabulary. 

She sniffles, wiping her nose with the back of her jacket trying to stay as strong as she could be. He was surely someone she never thought would be such a vital piece of her existence, being that he's stubborn, edgy and capable of handling things on his own. But they crazily matched in a way that ensured everyone survived, and ended up sharing burdens and trauma...that she definitely wouldn't of made it out of that survival effort by herself. 

He's itching to hold her some more, maybe for the rest of his life or maybe just for a long time. 

"I've been alone for so long, I-I don't know how...." Clarke speaks without crying, her arms crossing against her caving chest because she can't let her heart win this battle against his- she tries harder -as she thinks back to the radio calls and how they've kept her sane. 

It had nothing to do with Madi, because she had another person to spend her days with.

It had to do with the smile on her face when she'd say a man's name at the crack of dawn every morning, and spend hours talking to Bellamy about personal details of her daily activities and then some of low moments that she still has thoughts about. 

Now that she thinks about it, talking to Bellamy was easier on the radio than it ever was before and after he came back. 

"You know..." Bellamy reaches forward and tugs her hand from the stance she was trying to hold and intertwines their fingers. Somehow, they both gasp at the sudden contact and it momentarily distracts him from everything. From the war, from his sister, from a child he watched live through a century's rule of passion and dedication and die because of it. "It was hard losing you too." 

"We were close--" Clarke argues, oblivious to everything he's trying to set up for them. 

"I left you behind." 

"I left you behind to _die_..." She thinks back to when she left him in the bunker, leaving him to fight for his life when he felt like everything was slipping through fingers like sand on the beaches of Polis. Of the life he had, the life he remembers before temporary peace. 

Bellamy laughs through the tears threatening to spill but his fingers travel upwards to grab her elbow. He pulls her body to be flush against his, his mind fogs with a feeling that never left. 

“So did I,” Bellamy stops to put a shaky hand against the hollow of her neck to make her look at him. They’ve done terrible things to eachother, full of betrayal and heartbreak because they could never be together without grief and responsibility. 

“You call it even?” She whispers. 

“I call it along the lines of wanting us to work, Clarke.” 

“You don’t need me to _work_ anymore” 

“That’s true.” Bellamy sighs, and a hand reaches up to freeze on his bicep. How could he? “But, I need you to survive.” 

“What?-” Clarke stays speechless feeling like everything they fought through is useless now. 

“I don’t need you to lead alongside me because I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being terrified of losing you, so I won’t do it anymore.” 

Clarke squeezes his arm, feeling sorry for the choices she’s made. She also feels his fingers twirl in the ends of her blonde hair, like he’s curious. 

She takes a breath, “I need you to help me get through this, please. I haven’t felt this kind of loss since you left me.”’

He’s confused slightly, his mouth twitches because he didn’t die. “Clarke, I didn’t die I’m right here.” Bellamy’s voice is low and she almost misses what he says. “You know that right? I’m not leaving again.” He tries to affirm her as best he could, the memories too harsh to bear right now. 

“More than ever.” Clarke adds, her voice not as broken as before. It’s the truth. 

She nods, then shakes her head at herself to forget the events in the camp room where they yelled at eachother till they ended up in tears and painful decisions was a result of being leaders. It was easy saying it, knowing that she’s needed him by her side for so long. 

“I‘ve always needed you... those radio calls I made to you—“ Bellamy leans forward to rest his head on top of hers, just listening to her speak. “-they kept me sane for so long. I don’t wanna be angry anymore with you, really.” 

Bellamy grits his teeth with a deep sorrow in the pit of his stomach. It tears him apart piece of piece, the heart that adores Clarke Griffin is tearing apart yet patching up nicely again. 

“I’m sorry.” 

There’s pain written all over his face. 

“Me too,” Clarke says with a bit tongue and her throat wells up with hot tears again, because she knows she has to say it. “I’m sorry about Madi, and how I blamed you for something you knew was right.” 

Bellamy nods slowly, pulling away slightly to get a good look of her, of the Clarke she’s become. She’s roughly the same height, her blonde hair is golden and it shows when it shines in the sunlight. She’s just as hard headed and heartbreakingly beautiful in the ways that her strength could muster to break and bend. 

She’s the weak one against him. 

It makes sense, to note that both of them can be vulnerable with eachother and admit everything in a snap of their fingers. 

All a fire needs to burn is some gas and oil. 

With ambitions like Clarke and Bellamy, those came easily. All they had to do was let the fire burn out and try to fix it. 

She’s still got those icy blue eyes that only go soft around him, that only melt when he’s around. 

God, it’s so easy to notice that. 

“What now? What can we do?” Her eyes are ice when they look up at him, but it was making him feel warm on the inside. His mind wonders if it classified as an oxymoron. 

“The war Bellamy, it’s still going on—“ 

“Hey,” Bellamy assures. “Grieving is more important than a valley being fought over right now.” 

“But the soldiers, they _need_ doctors” 

Clarke’s the one to shake her head in agreement with herself. It wasn’t time for personal things, she had to be out there. 

To live on for her girl. 

That’s what she had to do. 

“They’ll live.” 

“Not against Eliguis.” 

“Have some faith in _our_ people.” 

“But your family needs you—Harper, Monty and Emori.” His hand settles on the side of her face, caressing it. “They need you by their side.” 

Clarke settled her weight in between Bellamy’s stance, already getting used to the feeling of being so close to him. 

She tries to look away, to avoid his gaze that’s daunting in the way it terrifies her to be wrong. His fingers are soft against her face, but she’s not sure if it’s because of her open pores or the feeling of being held by someone. Most likely, both. 

He makes her look at him with a gentle nudge, and she’s already biting her quivering lip. Of course, Bellamy knows how disappointed she is. 

“You and me, Clarke.” 

_We’ve been through a lot together you and I, I didn’t like you at first. That’s no secret....._

“It was never supposed to be like that.” 

Bellamy begs, “Then, tell me why you’re letting me hold you like this.” 

Clarke shakes her head and she’s sure that he could feel her clenched jaw against his palm. 

“Too many things,” She says, and he’s holding onto it. “—never enough time.” 

“I’ll say it again,” He warns, and suddenly both hands are cupping her face in his grasp. A lost world in his hands, his lost wonder. “You and me, that’s how we get through our problems.” 

“What’s our problem, huh?” 

“You aren’t letting _me_ in, Clarke. You talked about me hurting your feelings earlier, and you isolating yourself doesn’t make me feel like you’re home to me.” 

“This whole valley was my home before you came down. It’s different with you here, you _know_ that.” Clarke says, hoping she doesn’t regret leaning into his touch and closing her eyes. She’s falling into him, when she’s trying to fight him. 

She opens her eyes to speak again because she can’t let herself have good things. It’s like she could still see Madi in the back of her head, she’s trying to remember the guy from the stories. 

“The Ark is your home, Bellamy.” 

“Who says?” 

“You’ve lived there practically your whole life, only spending a year on the ground where _we_ had to make sure everyone survived.”

Survival was a team sport. 

Bellamy breathes into his next words, knowing they were gonna change a lot of things. But, he’s hoping that the consequences were as good as he hoped.

” _Says_ the girl who’s been holding my heart hostage for the past six years....”  

Clarke is speechless for a second, letting the information sink into her skin like it’s what she needed to say her confession. 

“I could say the same about you.” 

Bellamy smiles, a real authentic smile for a girl who he’s just happy to see alive and breathing. For someone who means so much, to finally admit what he’s been holding inside for 2,199 days. 

“You okay?” He asks about everything else, his voice mistakenly sorrowful. Like he’s throwing them back into reality to see if anything changed. 

“I will be.” She sighs and leans her head against his chest. She couldn’t help herself. 

It doesn’t last long, not even a full minute because he’s grabbing her face again. He wasn’t wrong when it came to how much she fulfilled him, of how much she meant to him. 

They lock eyes and suddenly it’s too intense but Clarke can’t look away. 

“No more isolating yourself, _please_.” 

He leans in a bit closer, possibly an inch to just plead for her, to plead for the relationship they once had. 

“No more running away from me, from the others. We wanna see you and talk to you about your life down here, and ours up there.” Clarke’s silent with his words that make his mouth twitch upward. 

She nods, thinking back to the dark times and wondering if she’ll tell those by the campfire at night. Even if Eden burns, she’ll still have her people. She doesn’t know where she’ll end up, but she won’t be alone this time. 

“ _Talk to me_ , Clarke, that’s really all I’m asking for.” Bellamy tiredly sighs and it mixes in with the air surrounding them. 

His face is achingly close to her’s, and she could feel his breath against the bridge of her nose. 

How could she talk to him if he’s an inch from kissing her? 

Clarke’s fingers grip at his elbow when he does take the leap forward, only to find the ends of her mouth and presses his lips gently. It’s a nice feeling, and her soul wants to jump out of her chest because of how nice it felt. 

They could both tell how much they wanted it, but it’s a realization for later. 

He lets them linger before she’s able to react, and he pulls away agonizingly slow in time to see her lip twitch in reaction. 

“Bell...” Clarke pains herself to whisper to him, afraid to bask in the feeling that was Bellamy’s taste at the edge of her mouth. She could tell how much he doesn’t wanna push her, but maybe, there’s a real possibility of her wanting him to kiss her fully, bring her back into his world. But he doesn’t, and she hates how the tease of his mouth felt so right and so tempting. 

She’s close to tears again, not because of her daughter or how close Bellamy is to her, but she already missed how he made her feel just then. 

“W-why would you—“ Clarke stutters out as her brain feels like it just exploded. 

“Can I hold you?” He asks, aware of any sudden moments because he just crossed a line they’ve been dancing on for seven years. He doesn’t want to push anything, especially not after Madi. 

Her eyes are dazing off into the abyss of nothing, trying to stay focused on him but she’s feeling too much. She nods and whispers a small response. 

Bellamy’s arms find their place around her waist, pulling her into his chest for the millionth time but this time she doesn’t even think to fight back. She’s hurting a lot, and he’s there. 

He’s here for her. 

That’s something she didn’t have when he was gone. 

Clarke snakes her arms around his torso and around his back, connecting her hands like their last hug in the lab, and it starts bringing back memories. She shuts her eyes against the fabric of his clothes when he’s afraid it’ll smell of smoke and gun powder. 

It’s the smell of him, it’s something she’ll always recognize because Bellamy’s a fighter for his people, for his family. 

Gunpowder and smoke alike, she could still feel her lips tingle in the shock that he actually almost kissed her. 

A single tear falls from her eyes, and for once it feels good to have her friends, her Bellamy back. She wasn’t alone, and quite frankly, _never_ alone with him just a call away into the _same abyss of nothing_.

But Bellamy, yeah he was something.  


End file.
